Why does it hurt so much when my cousins call me the 'American one'?
It hurts because being called 'the American one' can feel like a rejection of your belonging and a subtle accusation that you're not 'one of us,' triggering deep-seated insecurities about your identity and place within the family system.
What parts of your heritage culture do you still carry with you, even if others don't see them? What would it feel like to name these aloud to your family?
Imagine your family is a choir. Everyone is singing the same song, but you know a different version. You try to blend in, but your accent is off, your rhythm is wrong. When your cousins call you 'the American one,' you feel like you’ve been pushed to the back row, your voice silenced. You are family, but also… not quite. You are caught in the middle. That hurts. Where does this pain come from?
Being called 'the American one' can trigger an identity crisis. It highlights a perceived difference between you and your family. This can lead to feeling like an outsider. It brings up questions of cultural identity. It can even cause family estrangement. Such comments can feel like microaggressions. A microaggression is a subtle, often unintentional, expression of prejudice. It implies you are not fully part of the group. Comments like this can make you feel rejected by your family. Research shows that individuals who experience frequent microaggressions report lower levels of self-esteem and belonging (Sue et al., 2007).
Aisha, 28, from Chicago, whose parents immigrated from Pakistan, knows this feeling well. Every time she visits Pakistan, family members comment on how 'American' she has become. Aisha says, 'It's like I'm constantly being judged for not being Pakistani enough, even though I grew up here. No matter what I do, it's never enough.' Contrast this with Mateo, a 35-year-old from Madrid. His family constantly teases him for being 'too German' because he spent a year studying in Berlin. He feels the same sting of not fully belonging, even though the cultures are much closer. Though the cultures differ, feeling singled out hurts.
This week, try naming your feelings instead of deflecting. When a relative says, 'You've become so Westernized,' don't brush it off. Instead, say this: 'I know it seems that way sometimes, and I can see why you'd say that. My life here is very different. But the values you taught me are still a huge part of who I am. I'm not one or the other; I'm a mix of both.' Also, create a 'portable home' for yourself. Choose rituals, values, and relationships that make you feel grounded. Finally, find others who understand. Join online communities or cultural groups. When you start showing up for yourself, people's opinions matter less.
Being 'the American one' hurts because it challenges your sense of belonging. You don't have to choose one identity over another. Embrace your unique blend of cultures and create your own sense of home.
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Common Questions
Start by telling them how the comments make you feel. Use 'I' statements. For example, say 'I feel hurt when I'm called the American one because it makes me feel like I don't fully belong.' Be honest and direct, but also respectful. This can help them understand the impact of their words.
Yes, it's completely normal. Generational differences and differing cultural experiences can create a gap. The longer you live in a different culture, the wider that gap can grow. Acknowledge these differences. Focus on shared values and experiences. Build new connections based on mutual understanding.
Often, it's a way of pointing out differences in behavior, values, or beliefs. It can be a way of highlighting how you've adapted to American culture. Sometimes, it's meant as a joke. Other times, it reflects a deeper discomfort with your perceived distance from your family's culture.
Your feelings are valid. It's not about being 'too sensitive.' It's about how those comments affect you. Microaggressions, even unintentional ones, can accumulate and cause real pain. If something hurts, it hurts. Trust your feelings. Set boundaries with your family.
Acknowledge your feelings. Find others who share similar experiences. This can help you feel less alone. Focus on building strong relationships with family members who are accepting and understanding. Remember, belonging is a feeling you can cultivate within yourself, too.
Feeling forced to choose is a common experience for many bicultural individuals. Code-switching is a term for adjusting your behavior depending on the situation. You don't have to pick one over the other. Instead, embrace both. See yourself as someone who can navigate multiple worlds. Learn to see code-switching not as inauthentic but as a strength.
Find common ground. Share stories about your life in America. Show interest in their lives back home. Participate in cultural traditions together. Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings. Small gestures can make a big difference.
Respond with curiosity and education, not defensiveness. When someone from the dominant culture asks, 'But where are you really from?', try this: 'I was born and raised in [City/State]. My family is originally from [Country], and that's a big part of my story too. It's a bit of a mix.' This answers the literal question while asserting your belonging.