What are the signs of grandparent favoritism?
Grandparent favoritism isn't always about gifts; look for unequal displays of affection like prolonged hugs for one grandchild but quick pats for others, consistently remembering details about one grandchild's life while forgetting others', or always choosing activities that cater to one grandchild's interests.
When were you the 'overlooked' child? How did it feel?
Imagine a family dinner. One grandchild gets the prime seat next to Grandma. One gets the bigger slice of pie. One gets asked about their day, really asked, while others are given a quick head nod. This is grandparent favoritism. It's not always about money or gifts. It's about who gets the biggest piece of their attention and affection. Children notice. You notice. It feels like a constant, subtle sting. What makes this happen?
Grandparent favoritism isn't random. Sometimes, it's about proximity and convenience. Grandparents might favor the grandchild they see most often. This isn't always about love. Often, life is just easier with the grandchild nearby. Other times, the favoritism stems from unresolved issues with their own children, your siblings. A 2019 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that grandparent-grandchild relationships often mirror the grandparent-parent relationship. It is often not about the grandchild at all. What can you do about it?
Aisha, 35, from Mumbai, noticed her mother always praised her sister's daughter for excelling in school, while her own son's artistic talents were overlooked. Aisha felt hurt, not just for her son, but for herself. In contrast, in some Italian-American families, the first-born grandson is often favored. This is seen as honoring tradition. Still, even when cultural, unequal treatment grandchildren hurts. Whether it's academic praise or cultural roles, the pain of feeling your child is 'less than' stings the same.
Have a calm, private talk with the grandparent. Choose a time when you are both relaxed. Do not accuse. Share how the signs of favoritism make your child feel. Say this: 'Dad, I've noticed that when we visit, most of your attention goes to Sam. I know you love both kids, but when you immediately ask him about baseball and don't ask Leo about his art, Leo feels left out.' This week, find small moments to highlight the overlooked grandchild's strengths. Next visit, bring a photo album that includes pictures of all the grandchildren. When you take action, you reclaim your power.
Grandparent favoritism hurts. It's not about the gifts; it's about the heart. You can't change someone else's heart, but you can protect your child's.
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Common Questions
Look beyond the presents. Signs of favoritism include consistently praising one grandchild more. Do they spend more one-on-one time with one? Do they show more excitement when one grandchild succeeds? These are grandparent favoritism red flags.
Grandparent favoritism can show up in many ways. Maybe they always pick up one grandchild first from school, even if it's out of their way. Or perhaps they consistently choose activities that only one grandchild enjoys. A pattern of unequal treatment is the key sign of favoritism.
Grandchild favoritism can deeply wound a child. It can make them feel unworthy or unloved. Over time, this can erode their self-esteem. They may start to believe they are not as good as their favored sibling or cousin.
While not ideal, grandparent preferring one grandchild is more common than many think. Often, it is rooted in the grandparent's personal history or relationship with the child's parents. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides context. For example, my mother favored my older brother because he reminded her of her deceased father. It wasn't fair, but it was her truth.
Choose a calm moment. Use "I" statements to express how the unequal treatment grandchildren makes you feel. Avoid blaming or accusing. For example: "I've noticed that Sarah gets more attention. I worry about how this affects Ben."
Even young children pick up on unequal treatment. They might ask, "Why does Grandma always hug Lily longer?" Watch for changes in their behavior. Do they become withdrawn or act out when the favored grandchild is around? These are clues that they are feeling the sting of favoritism. For example, 4-year-old Omar started refusing to visit his grandparents because his cousin always got to pick the games.
Actively celebrate each child's unique strengths. Create special one-on-one moments with the 'overlooked' grandchild. Reinforce that each of them is loved and valued for who they are. Focus on what makes them shine. Limit their exposure to the grandparent favoring grandchild.
It's common for grandparents to deny grandparent favoritism. Stay calm. Reiterate what you've observed. Focus on the impact on your child, not the grandparent's intentions. Say: 'I'm not questioning your love at all. I know you love them equally. I'm talking about how that love is expressed through actions, which is what the kids see. The impact on them is what I'm concerned about.'