My grandchild is shy and won't talk to me on video calls. What should I do?
Instead of asking direct questions, narrate what *you're* doing – "Grandma is making a funny face! Now Grandma is holding up a red block!" – to create a low-pressure environment where your grandchild can observe and engage when they feel comfortable, turning the call into a shared experience rather than an interrogation.
What's your biggest fear about losing connection with your grandchild? What small step can you take today to ease that fear?
A black rectangle stares back at you. Your grandchild's face flickers on the screen, small and distant. You wave. A tiny hand waves back, then disappears. Silence. You ask a question. More silence. A parent prompts from off-screen. Still nothing. Each unanswered question feels like another brick in a wall. Grandchild video calls become a source of anxiety, not joy. You feel like you're losing them, pixel by pixel. Is this bond slipping away?
Shyness in children on video calls isn't personal. A child's brain processes faces differently on screens. A flat, two-dimensional image lacks the depth and social cues of a real person. This can trigger a fear response, making a child withdraw. Direct questions feel like demands. According to research, children under five have difficulty with abstract thought and struggle to understand the context of a virtual conversation. You might feel rejected, but your shy grandchild is likely overwhelmed. This isn't about you; it's about how brains work.
Aisha, age 6, lives in Mumbai and video calls her grandparents in London every Sunday. Her grandmother tries to engage her with questions about school and friends, but Aisha often hides behind her mother, whispering answers or shaking her head. Her grandmother feels a pang of sadness, wondering if Aisha is losing her connection to her Indian heritage. In contrast, in some Scandinavian cultures, children are given more space and autonomy. A grandparent might simply narrate their own activities during the call, trusting the child will engage when ready. Whether across continents or cultures, the fear is the same: the fear of losing connection.
This week, try narrating what you're doing instead of asking direct questions. This creates a low-pressure environment for your grandchild to engage. Say this: "Grandma is building a tower with blocks! Now Grandma is putting a blue block on top! Oh no, the tower fell down!"
Here are smaller moves:
- Sing a song. Even if your grandchild doesn't sing along, hearing your voice creates a connection.
- Show, don't tell. Hold up a favorite toy or book and describe it without asking your grandchild questions.
The realistic outcome? A gradual increase in engagement. Instead of pressure, you'll create a shared experience.
Video calls with a shy grandchild can feel distant. Change your approach. Narrate your actions instead of asking questions. Create space for them to join when they're ready. Connection will follow.
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Common Questions
Yes, it's perfectly normal. Young children often find video calls overwhelming. Flat screens and the lack of physical presence can make it harder for them to connect. Shyness is a common reaction.
Try playing simple games like 'I Spy' or 20 Questions. Show them a favorite toy or pet. Read a story together. Use silly filters or backgrounds to add some fun. Actively create an engaging experience. For example, you could try a virtual scavenger hunt – 'Can you find something blue?'
Don't force it. Respect their boundaries. Instead of direct questions, try just being present on the screen while you do something else, like reading a book or knitting. Let them observe you without pressure.
Use open-ended questions that require more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer, but be very careful about putting pressure. Instead of saying, 'Did you have fun at school today?', try, 'Tell me one thing you did at school today.' Even better, show them something interesting you have. If you have a pet, ask 'What do you think [pet's name] is dreaming about?'
Instead of asking about school, ask about their favorite superhero or TV show. Ask about the best thing they ate today. Steer clear of anything that feels like homework or an obligation. Remember, you are building a relationship.
Establish a ritual anchor. Create a consistent routine for your video calls. For example, every Tuesday at 4 PM, read a chapter from a specific book together. This predictability can help a shy child feel more comfortable and connected. For example, Mark Ronson, the music producer, uses weekly calls with his grandkids to co-create a story together, one paragraph at a time.
Try 'Simon Says,' Pictionary (using the whiteboard feature on Zoom or other platforms), or a virtual scavenger hunt. Keep the games short, simple, and age-appropriate. Celebrate every attempt, not just the wins. You can also use free online games.
Try the asynchronous presence approach. Send short video or audio messages throughout the week. Share photos of your day. This creates a constant thread of connection without the pressure of a live call. A quick video of you watering your plants or a voice note singing a silly song can make a big difference. Marco Polo is a good app for this.