My 10-year-old told me I'm embarrassing. How do I not take that personally?
Your child's embarrassment is less about *you* and more about their need to fit in with their peers during a sensitive developmental stage. Instead of taking it personally, see it as a signal to shift your parenting style to give them more space and independence, while still offering support.
What's one thing you do that you know embarrasses your child, but you do it anyway? Are you willing to let it go?
The bedroom door is closed a lot more these days. Silence replaces chatter. Then comes the day your child says, "You're so embarrassing!" It stings. Your face gets hot. A wall goes up. You feel rejected by the person whose love you crave most. You might wonder, "Am I really an embarrassing mom or embarrassing dad?" How do you get back inside their world?
Your child's "parent embarrassment" has less to do with you and more to do with their stage of development. Ten-year-olds are starting to figure out who they are outside of their families. Fitting in with peers becomes very important. Parents are seen as extensions of themselves. Anything you do reflects on them. According to a study, children's stress levels around social evaluation increase significantly between ages 9 and 13 (Brummelman et al, 2017). This isn't about you; it's about them needing to belong.
Aisha, age 11 from Dubai, cringes whenever her mom tries to use slang she learned from TikTok. Aisha says, "It's so fake! She tries to be cool, but it just makes her look old." Meanwhile, in Iowa, 10-year-old Kevin is mortified when his dad blasts 80s rock in the car during school drop-off. Kevin says, "No one else's parents do that! I just want to disappear." Same feeling, different backdrop. Both kids are at an age where they are hyper-aware of what others think.
Try a "shoulder-to-shoulder" activity. It removes the pressure of direct conversation. Focus on a shared activity. Maybe building LEGOs or walking the dog. Then ask about their world. Say this: "Teach me something about that video game you like." Smaller moves: 1. Stop doing the thing they find embarrassing (the dance, the joke, the outfit) for one week. 2. Find one new song they like and listen to it (even if you hate it). Expect: A slight thaw. A bit more openness. A small step back toward each other.
Your child saying you're embarrassing is often about their own need to fit in. It's not personal. Shift your parenting to give them space while still showing you care.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Yes! It's a very common developmental stage. As children enter pre-teen years, fitting in becomes crucial. Parents often represent old, uncool ways. What embarrasses your child today might be endearing to them later.
Kids find many things embarrassing! It could be your dance moves, your old-fashioned clothes, your use of slang, or even the music you listen to. Maya, age 12, says her dad's loud voice in public makes her cringe. "He doesn't realize how loud he is! Everyone stares!" Pay attention to your child's cues and try to be mindful of their sensitivities.
Ask them! Seriously. A direct, calm question can work wonders. "Hey, I noticed you seemed uncomfortable when I did X. Was that embarrassing for you? I want to understand."
Resist the urge to get defensive. Instead, take a deep breath. Acknowledge their feelings. Say something like, "Okay, I hear you. Thanks for telling me." Then, ask clarifying questions later when you're both calm. What specifically embarrassed them? The Gottman Institute calls this "turning toward" your child's bid for connection.
Probably not! Your child's perception is colored by their own anxieties. You are likely just being yourself. However, their feedback is valuable. It's a chance to learn and adapt.
Start small. Pick one behavior to modify. For example, if your child hates your singing in the car, make a deal: you only sing when they have headphones on. Or, if it's your clothing style, consider asking them for shopping advice. Frame it as "I want to understand what you like."
Sometimes, yes. A simple apology can go a long way. "Hey, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you at the store yesterday. I didn't realize I was being too loud." The key is to be sincere and specific.
Create a "protected ritual." This is a recurring, predictable point of connection. This can be "Taco Tuesdays" or a "Saturday Morning Donut Run". Consistency makes it a safe, reliable moment they can count on. During this time, put aside any embarrassing habits and focus solely on connecting with your child.