How do you know if someone actually wants to be your friend?
They consistently initiate contact and make an effort to spend time with you, even when there's nothing 'in it' for them—they just enjoy your company.
What is one small mask you wear every day? What would happen if you took it off, just for an hour?
You ever feel like you are wearing a mask? A mask that shows the world who you think they want to see? It takes so much energy to keep it on. You laugh at jokes that are not funny. You nod when you do not understand. You agree when you want to scream. Then, the day ends, and mask slips. You collapse into bed, exhausted. Are you reading the signs right, do they like me as a friend?
That mask creates emotional labor. Emotional labor is the effort you spend managing your feelings and expressions to meet social expectations. Dr. Arlie Hochschild coined this term. A study by the University of California, Berkeley found that people who suppress their emotions experience increased stress levels. When you are constantly performing friendship, you are not truly connecting. You're expending energy to maintain an image. This makes you tired and unsure if friendships are real. Is this person truly interested in being my friend or just being polite?
Aisha, 17, from Mumbai, felt invisible at her international school. She tried to fit in with the popular kids, mimicking their style and interests. But it felt fake. She said, "I was always worried about saying the wrong thing." Meanwhile, in rural Iowa, Ethan struggled with the opposite. He was liked, but felt misunderstood. People loved his football skills but did not care about his art. Help me figure out if someone wants to be friends.
Lower the stakes from "making a friend" to having a small, positive connection. Look for a chance to share a quick, real moment with someone. This week, focus on small acts. Say this: "I also thought that test was ridiculously hard." Then, offer a small, specific compliment. Notice someone's cool shoes? Mention it. Ask a question. “Where did you get those?” When you stop trying so hard to impress, people will see the real you. Tell me the signals that someone wants to be my friend.
Real friendship is not about performance. It is about connection. Look for people with whom you can drop the mask. These relationships will bring you energy, not drain it.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Someone who wants to be your friend will show genuine interest. They will ask you questions. They will listen when you talk. They will try to keep the conversation going. These are green flags in a friendship.
Genuine friends show up consistently. Think about Maya and Sarah. They met in college and bonded over late-night study sessions. Even after graduation, when they lived in different cities, they made an effort to call each other regularly. They celebrated each other’s successes and offered support during tough times. That's a real friend.
Green flags are good signs. Someone remembers small details about you. They respect your boundaries. They support your goals. These are all signs of a healthy, growing friendship. These signs someone likes you.
It is hard to tell! Sometimes, people are just polite. But there is a difference between politeness and genuine interest. If someone only talks about themselves, then move on. Look for people who also ask about you. How to determine genuine friendship intentions?
Fake friends often disappear when you need them. They may talk about you behind your back. They are only around when it benefits them. Watch out for these friendship red flags.
Consider this: do they only call you when they need something? Do they disappear when you need support? If yes, you may be used. A true friend offers mutual support. I once had a “friend” like this. She only called when she needed help with her homework. After I stopped helping her, she stopped talking to me. She was not a real friend.
Pretending is exhausting. Someone pretending to like you will avoid deep conversations. They stick to surface-level topics. They also seem uncomfortable when you share something personal. This is how to tell if someone is a fake friend.
Try this: suggest an activity that you enjoy. See if they are enthusiastic. If they are always busy or disinterested, they might not be a good fit. Remember, it is okay to have different interests. But a good friend will at least be open to trying new things with you. If they don't, you're not reading the signs right.